It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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