the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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