If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
