i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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