I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
