The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
