Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
