when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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