Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
