I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
