i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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