You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
