The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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