So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
