So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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