dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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