Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
