do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
