So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
