you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
