when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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