i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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