2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize