Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
