found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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