Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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