i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
