SEEEEXXX PLEASE
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
