Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize