if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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