that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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