He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
