The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
