wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
