so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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