i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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