I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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