My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It was confusing and full of hummus
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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