We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
