Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm getting married
To pizza
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
