There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
