i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
