u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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