he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
