Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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