Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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