I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
