I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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