I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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