I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
me + whiskey = a bad person
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
