I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I see more hoeing in ur future
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize