mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
