Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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