Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
