There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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