I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize