So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize